Manafort’s Business Partner, Rick Gates, Denies Any Ties To Russia: Discord First To Coin Phrase ‘Gates-Gate’

Flagstaff, AZRick Gates, business partner to Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort, will likely plead guilty to charges this week brought by special prosecutor Robert Mueller and his team. Even prior to the pending guilty plea, The Discord is touting its wordsmithular prowess by coining the phrase Gates-Gate, one that will likely go down in the annals of Discord history as “meh”. Rick Gates likely knows everything Manafort does, so if he ‘flipped’ and there was any collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, this may well be, in the immortal words of Redd Foxx, “The big one, Elizabeth!” It is the belief of this writer that ultimately Gates-Gate will trigger the fall of this president. Look, Warren Zevon just went home with a waitress with Russian ties and that ended badly. Offhand, this seems much worse.”

Trump Offers Bonuses For Armed Teachers Through Innovative Death-Toll Point System

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is responding to the massive outcry to the recent Florida school shooting with a novel idea. Yes! He wants to write a book about it! Once he learns to read, of course. His other idea involves giving bonuses to armed teachers. Additional cash can be earned for both type of weapon as well as confirmed on-campus kill shots. There’s the potential for extra vacation time for 2nd Amendmenting any member of a minority, and double points will be rewarded for those also registered as a Democrat. With this small tweak to our nation’s educational system, The Donald hopes to enrich the lives of those involved with one of our most crucial occupations. He’s talking about the NRA’s executive management, of course.

Study Finds Debating Table Lamp More Engaging Than Average Republican


Critical thinking on the right side of the political spectrum is officially dead. Elvis has left the Trump rally. The reactionary factless responses that define today’s political landscape now permeate every corner of the Twiright Zone. Thankfully, real evidence of the problem is surfacing, as a recent Oxford study supports my shift from a ‘Deplorable’ designation to an ‘Unreachable’ one. Facts can no longer penetrate the Trump supporters’ noggins, period. Neuropolitical studies continue to support my rather harsh assessment of our conservative friends’ adverse relationship to the truth. Of course, they would reply Fake Science! According to this Fake Study, Trump supporters pass around twice as much nonsense, or Foxal Matter, on social media platforms than any other group on the planet. As a result, our staunch evangelical friends can now only engage in debates with themselves. Mass debaters? Yep, its Oxford University vs the Glenn Beck Chalk-Sniffing Choir. Good luck with that.

DNA Test Confirms Scat Of The Elusive Bigfoot Discovered In Produce Section Of Safeway

Flagstaff, AZ—Team Search Truth Quest (STQ) believes they obtained irrefutable evidence of the existence of a hominid-like primate living in the produce section of a local Safeway. According to DNA testing, via STQ member Alex Bone’s iPhone app, the scat contains both human and primate DNA. Captain of STQ, Mick Zano, said, “This is like finding the Holy Grail inside the Arc of the Covenant inside of Bigfoot. Our findings prove Sasquatch is at least as real as the Flying Spaghetti Monster.” The scat was found near the pre-made salads, which led the team to conclude Bigfoot is no longer chopping its own vegetables in the wild. The team of cryptid hunters told the Discord today that “this is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce.”

This Day In Future History: President Rubio Pressured Into Exhuming Hillary’s Body For 29th Benghazi Hearing


Washington—President Marco Rubio has flip-flopped on his decision to allow the Senate Intelligence Committee to pursue yet another Benghazi hearing. The president told the press today, “With new evidence tweeted to me from Donald Trump Jr. *cough* from prison, there are still a number of unanswered questions about the Benghazi embassy attack.” After some initial reservations, the president is now ordering the exhumation of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton from her current resting place at Memory Gardens Cemetery in Arkansas. Clinton’s final wish was to be buried right alongside Vince Foster, a friend and colleague who died under mysterious circumstances, so “they could save time by only having to dig one hole for their next bullshit investigation.”

Under New Budget The Department Of Housing And Urban Development (HUD) Is Now Just UD

Tent CityUnder the new Trump budget, funding for the Department of Housing And Urban Development is being drastically cut. HUD Secretary Ben Carson told the press today, “We are still focusing on housing for the poor, but just not of the four-walls-one-roof variety. We will be moving toward a block grant model, which blocks the grants from poor people and shifts them to the rich. It’s all part of the president’s new Dooh Nibor initiative. Think about that one… But we are going to make sure the domicile-impaired get hooked up with some really good real estate people and financial advisors, for a fee of course. We want to help them sign onto a mortgage then our friends on Wall Street can step-in and work their repackaging magic. There’s also some concern about those folks who are homeless and suffer from addiction or mentally illness. I can assure you these folks will still be eligible for all the same supportive services, well, until the behavioral health cuts kick-in next month.”

After SpaceX Car Stunt, Elon Musk Found Hitchhiking On Santa Monica Freeway

Santa Monica, CA—Billionaire and SpaceX owner, Elon Musk, is blaming an employee for a glitch that sent his ride into space on Wednesday. After the Falcon Heavy blasted off with his car, Mr. Musk found himself with no ride from the launch pad back to his mansion in Bel Air. One onlooker was hesitant to pick up the mogul, because, “He looked a little too yuppie, and out of place with his obviously Photoshopped cardboard sign.”

A Frustrated Schiff Resolves To Scrawl Unreleased Dem Counter-Memo On Capitol Bathroom Wall

Washington—Congressman Adam Schiff of the House Intelligence Committee is in hot water today after soap and hot water could not completely undo his recent permanent-marker handiwork. The rogue congressman allegedly leaked the Democratic rebuttal to the controversial Nunes-memo, in its entirety, in bathroom-graffiti form. President Trump, who recently vetoed the release of the memo, is reportedly furious with Schiff’s antics and vows to enact swift justice in the form of a barrage of admonishing presidential tweets #ForGetTheMemo.

Fox News Explains Recent Stock Market Slump: Now Available In Coloring Book And Scratch-N-Sniff

Dimension F—Sean Hannity of Fox News infamy was quick to blame the stock market’s recent 1600 point plunge on Donald Trump’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means the black guy. Hannity then proceeded to go on a lengthy rant about Obama’s terribly weak, no good economy, when he was actually referring to Obama’s predecessor. For those Foxeteers among us, that means Incurious George (oh, and you can look up “incurious”, but by definition you probably won’t). Hannity finished his latest insightful segment with a special comment on how #Bear Markets Matter, which, as it turns out, is also bull.

Trump Books Justin Timberlake For Midterm Halftime Show

Tweet Tower—Against the advice of all of his advisors, President Trump has booked Justin Timberlake for a gala next January at Mar-a-Lago to celebrate his own administration’s halftime show. The move has drawn tripartisan criticism, which is a first, and even the stoically silent special investigator, Bob Mueller, has broken his silence and suggested the president go with Rihanna.

Google Earth Discovers Foundation Of Popular Drinking Establishment Under Existing Dive Bar

Brooklyn, NY—Thanks to advancements in Google Earth imagery, researchers examining the ancient New York bar scene have discovered a previously unknown Brooklyn watering hole. The foundation of this older establishment is much larger than the current business, Jake’s Shithole & Grub, located at the same address. Anthropubologists believe this earlier structure was built by post-McSorelian nomadic brewers many decades ago. Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Grill, told the Discord today, “For a pub archeologist, this is like finding the Holy Ale or the Beer of Destiny. This could help fill in entire gaps in the ancient pubcrawlic record. We may find clues about the period between rock and grunge, or post-disco and hip-hop, or even between Saturday afternoon and that incident I had at Chumley’s at last call. This amazing place, revealed by Google Earth, looked to be a hybrid of a pub and a club. This ‘plub’, as it were, housed both a giant dance floor as well as several regulation pool tables. And this is just the tip of the ice beer.”

Trump Stands By Decision To Gut Rail Safety Budget: “Who Takes The Fucking Train?”


Tweet Tower—In the wake of three deadly Amtrak crashes in the last fifty days, President Trump is standing by his decision to gut the U.S. Department of Transportation’s budget by 13%. The president said, “I don’t own a train and I don’t take the train. Who the hell still takes an F-ing train? …well, besides Republican congressmen, I guess. But hey, that $2.4 billion I saved went directly to folks in my tax bracket. It’s win-win, because my rich friends never board those death traps. And why don’t they have McDonald’s on those things? Sad.”

Now Hiring For Director Of The Federal Bureau Of Investigation: Experience A Plus, But Not Required

Tweet TowerAccording to an unnamed Discord source, the White House is behind a series of help wanted ads for the FBI directorship appearing on LinkedIn and Indeed. The controversial posting states, “Full-time, must be 18 years of age. The candidate must be a ‘yes’ man, and ‘man’ preferred. Unswerving loyalty to the president required. White privilege a must. Will train if not misogynistic, racist, or xenophobic. Good phony communication skills (not a typo). Must be willing to destroy the rule of law and protect a sociopathic man-child prone to periodic temper tantrums. Must possess knowledge of adolescent behavioral modification strategies. Prior FBI or police experience a plus, or at least watch some of the new X-File episodes prior to interview. Must be able to hide the bodies, but then not disclose where said bodies are buried. Excellent benefits (for now). Knowledge of Excel a plus.”