Tweet Tower—Abandoning all hope of a Congress-related solution, President Trump has signed an executive order today that creates the Brown Baby Research & Conservation Agency. In lieu of separating children from their families and locking them in cages after a suspected illegal border crossing, the Trump Administration has a better solution. This new government agency stationed along the US-Mexico border will humanely tag unaccompanied minors with a GPS geolocator and then release them back into the desert. Many claim this policy is not helpful and is evidence of the president doubling down on his “Zero Tolerance” policy, or what Trump himself is calling Operation Dos Zero.
For my birthday this year—which usually involves someone buying me a beer, in May—I am asking for donations to The Daily Discord.com. Or at least enough money to fund a Donation Button, which involves thirty minutes of WordPress time that I’m not, as yet, willing to donate. It’s like a button that sends me cash so I can keep making fun of republicans in a timely manner. I know in 2018 it’s pretty low hanging fruit, but I do it each week with a certain liberal pizazz. Oh, and I had to change my birthday on FB to make this joke happen and now Zuckerdick isn’t letting me change it back! Fascist Book? Maybe fighting the man should be a separate donation button, or something… Anyway, please send all proceeds to my PayPal account that I haven’t bothered to set up yet. I really should have thought this through better.
Las Vegas, NV—Special Counsel Robert Mueller, known for his resolute professionalism, has leaked a controversial statement before the release of his much-anticipated report on Russian interference into the 2016 election. In an off-strip Vegas Irish pub called McMullen’s, the Special Counsel allegedly downed a dozen or more beers and then told a regular: “I’m sick of investigating this ass-clown of a president.” Mueller also told the same bar patron, “If any of Trump’s people had half a brain I could pin collusion on the lot of them, but it’s kind of like watching those guys from Jackass trying to build a time machine.”
My blogversary always demands answers each week to his nonsensical questions, despite their irrelevance. You can not deny that during the Frost/Nixon interview both men were wearing pants. True or False, Zano?! Both wore pants! For his latest lie-a-tribe, he’s trying to pin me down to either ‘true’ or ‘false’ statements on a series of Spygate inquiries. For those who stick to news relevant to this planet, the Hannity’s of the world have created an FBI counter-narrative designed to muddy the Russia-probe. True to form, Pokey is never interested in the past or the future, because conservatives live entirely in an ever-present news cycle of their own creation. My related zenwrongness theory points to a permanent Nirvana-like conservative political state for the terminally cheesy. Briepiphany? Dharmaesan? Presentism is a gift from our rightwing propagandists. Who knew Joseph Goebbles was so enrightened?
There Zano goes again, ranting about everything except the evidence. He never challenges a fact, context, or inference that I’ve made on any subject. Zano characterizes my perspective as another “fictional scandal” since Republican investigations never (not once ever) find anything of relevance. Of course, Zano’s definition of relevance precludes facts that counter his position. Zano changes the subject to Bush’s illegal War, and then, presenting no evidence, he accuse Trump of “rampant”, not merely ordinary run of the mill authoritarianism. Then Zano goes on to praise my timeline as proving his own point, if he actually has any.
Palm Beach, FL—President Donald Trump has responded to recent criticism of his less than stellar performance at last week’s G-7 summit by announcing plans to hold his own “much better G-7”. The event will take place at his Palm Beach resort at Mar-a-Lago on September 11th. The president has already extended invitations to six other hand-picked individuals, who are ready to share America’s new goals, values, and the best chocolate cake in the world!
Quebec, CDN—President Trump apparently arrived much later to the G-7 summit than was originally reported. In fact, the U.S. representative did not attend the traditional world leader photo shoot. Instead a cardboard cutout was propped between Germany’s Angela Merkel and Canada’s Justin Trudeau at the last minute. When asked why none of the leaders leaked this information to the press, they all had a variation of the same response: “We greatly preferred the company of the cardboard cutout.” Justin Trudeau was particular incensed with the President of the United State’s behavior at the summit and wished the cardboard substitute could have “stayed the whole time.” Trudeau went on to say, “If he acts like that again, we will take certain measures. And I’m warning Mr. Trump that Canadian ‘time outs’ take place in the Yukon and involve being chained to a polar bear.”
A long time ago, in a box office far, far away—Hailed as an American space western, Solo: A Star Wars Story follows the exploits of character Han Solo and his Wookie companion, Chewbacca. This time LucasFilm went with director Ron Howard, best known for playing Opie in the popular 60s situation comedy, The Andy Griffith Show. The film was named after the one person who went to see this space dud since it’s opening last week. Many are calling this a huge victory for the empire, who really don’t like how they are portrayed in most of the films.
Tweet Tower—President Trump met with the surviving members of the rock band, The Eagles, today in the Oval Office. When asked about the meeting with the Super Bowl champion, Philadelphia Eagles, the president made it sound as if this was the plan all along. “I said I wanted to meet with the Eagles and there was some confusion from a staffer who I since fired, but I think it’s good now,” said President Trump. “I love Hotel California and Sweet Home Alabama. These guys are my favorite band—next to Ed Zeppelin. I love me some Ed. Hey, can we get Ed next time?”
The Pacific Ocean—A killer whale was found dead yesterday after consuming 17 lbs of now non-recyclable plastic during what friends are calling “a bet gone awry.” The previous record for plastic consumption by a cetacean was held by Polymer Pete, a blue whale who one day turned bluer from asphyxiation and choked to death. A liberal oceanographer remains annoyed at this hour, “Sorry another whale is dead, but the thing was mixing high and low density polyethylene as well as any and all vinyl and terephthalate. It’s like going back in time to prehistoric cave-people recycling.” Fred and Ethylene Flintstone were unavailable for comment.
How does The GOP respond to another looming rightwing catastrophe? They flip the script, of course. We’re not the constitutional crisis, you and your lib-leaning FBI are the constitutional crisis. And even if Trump does turn out to be the crisis, you libs made Trump by having the audacity to call xenophobes bigots. The FBI is lousy with hipster spooks, lousy with them, I say! If Mueller’s findings end up sidelined, we should be storming the old Bastille, yet my blogvesary is focusing on “Spygate”? …you know, another fictional scandal with half the calories of Pizzagate. You have a super majority, dude, so of course we’ll investigate your feigned outrage. We always explore the rightwing conspiracy theory of the day and we do this while the last of society’s intelligentsia remains neutered. Castration without representation?
Tweet Tower—An embarrassing grammatical snafu involving the coolest of Trump’s recent executive orders, impacts the pardoning of boxing great Jack Johnson. Due to an unfortunate typo, only Jack Johnson’s Johnson was legally pardoned last week. Under the heading ‘full name’, Trump’s pardon reads: John Arthur “Jack” Johnson Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight boxing champion. There’s an extra Johnson, which in legal terms implies the full pardon of only the boxer’s penis.
Tweet Tower—A new deal between the Trump Organization, Big Pharma, Signa, and the Grim Reaper actually hastens the life-process for individuals associated with high medical costs. This new plan is designed to benefit the healthcare providers, while at the same time helping ordinary people, like you, pass into the underworld more easily. The collaborative effort is designed to cut costs, cut life support, and finish off Obamacare by the midterm elections. The details of the deal remain shrouded—in a black cowl, actually—but the president promises it’s a big win for healthy young people, who should probably stay inside from now on …where it’s safe.
Tweet Tower—Earlier today the president of ABC, Channing Dungey, announced the cancellation of their top-rated sitcom Roseanne after a racist tweet surfaced on Roseanne Barr’s personal Twitter feed. Mrs. Dungey called the comments, “Abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values.” President Trump quickly came to Roseanne’s defense and is considering a full pardon at this time for the tweet and any related damages.
Big Island, HI—The proposed location for President Trump’s on-again, off-again summit with North Korea is both raising eyebrows and singeing them. The president announced the two leaders will meet in June on Hawaii’s Big Island, preferably “right near some of the active lava flows.” Is the president trying to tie in his earlier “fire and fury” comments, or is he still investigating Barack Obama’s birthplace? It’s hard to say, especially when your president can barely speak.
Last November the US elected its first pathological Liar-in-Chief, and this is when we finally get to look under the g-men hood and kick the tires? During normal times I’d be cheering loudly and waving my I Still Believe, Sanjaya! ascot. But these are not normal American Idol times, and the ascots only come in lavender. Thus far the 21st century rightwing conspiracies have proven to be distractions, but will the FBI counter counter-investigation prove different? There are only two conspiracy theories that hold any merit: Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone in the death of John F. Kennedy, and Plankton was not the only culprit in Spongebob’s Great Krabby Patty Caper (season 7, ep.17). Mr. Oswald publically stated “I’m a patsy” and was then gunned down within 48-hours. The Feds certainly know more on this matter than meets the FB-eye. Also, Larry the Lobster yelled he was “A patty” before being boiled alive during a Krabby Patty interrogation by BBPD. This episode, Butter You Than Me, never aired thanks to the efforts of Gina Haspel and Mike Pompeo. Fine, that’s a bit of a tangent, but so is this rightwing counter counter intelligence investigation that thus far seems counter to intelligence.
Superior, AZ—So this is my new thing, at least for the next month or so, I’m heading out into Arizona’s desert badlands on the days you’re least likely to run into other humans. Some people think you should only explore the desert in the winter. Forget such ideas. One should experience an area’s true nature. You don’t become one with the Saguaros hiking through them in January. This would be like trying to discover Mardi Gras in New Orleans in September. Also, with Phoenix now being the fifth largest city in the US, if one wants a little desert solitaire, you need to avoid the spilling of the masses into the wilds by dodging the weekends. I want to be the only non-local around, Non-local = El Loco.
Tweet Tower—In a move many are calling predictable, President Donald Trump has ordered his Department of Defense to drop the one million newly minted NK/USA June summit commemorative coins over the most populated areas of North Korea. This news comes today shortly after negotiations regarding the tentative Singapore summit between the two nations officially broke down. If this were not childish enough, the U.S. military has been instructed to make farting sounds as they fly over the North Korean peninsula. Donald Trump has also ordered his Justice Department to fully investigate the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, because he “still wants one.” When the president was told the Nobel Committee is housed in Norway, the Trump Administration immediately placed stiff sanctions on the country and imposed crushing tariffs on all Scandinavian imports.
Tweet Tower—Sometimes it pays to read one’s own fine print. President Trump is working feverishly to salvage the upcoming summit between himself and the Supreme Commander of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. Today the plot has officially thickened. Due to a provision of his own travel ban, the president can not fly to the tentative location of the summit in Singapore. Primarily the travel ban prohibits anyone from flying into the U.S. from seven specific Muslim countries. On the last page of the document, however, the president went on a bit of an unscripted rant. He added what he called a Trumpmendment which also prohibits the following groups from flying at all: socialists, kids named after places (like Dakota or Cheyenne), and anyone the DOJ or the DHS considers an ass-clown. Today, the Department of Homeland Security has confirmed that the president is a world class ass-clown and needs to stick to the lower-48 until the people over at Ringling Brothers can release their final report.